The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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