I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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