I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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