Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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