My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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