farters have to be the big spoon...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
