saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
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So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
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We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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