Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
