Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
