I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
