a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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