Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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