I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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