Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
