is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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