As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
