well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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