I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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