no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
