I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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