Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
