ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Drunk is a universal language darling
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
