You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
