I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
