I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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