I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
