Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
