the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
