well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
