is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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