What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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