dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
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I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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