areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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