i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
