please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
