So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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