During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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