i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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