So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
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Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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