Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
