First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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