best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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