Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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