his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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