Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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