My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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