Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
