I'm eating all of the evidence.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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