another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You have to summon your inner elephant
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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