We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
