hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
