New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
