Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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