my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
