saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
