she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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