Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
