haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
